Tell Me Why You Love Me (TMWYLM) Page 11

  Before he finished his sentence I sighed and made my way to my bed and threw myself on it, lying on my front. I buried my face in the pillow. "It's true..." I spoke, my voice muffled in the pillow. "But now I don't know what to do..." I confessed.

  "Oh, Free..." Joe whispered and made his way to my bed. "I don't think Josh does, either." I felt a hand stroke the back of my head reassuringly. "He never meant to, but the next thing he knew he was kissing you. He told me he never meant for it to happen and that he's sorry..."

  "Let him tell me that." I snapped at him. "If he really never meant it and was sorry, then he should tell me himself!" I explained, lifting my head from the pillow and looking to Joe who had a guilty look in his emerald eyes.

  "Free..." Joe whispered and looked away. "Josh, he... He's very sensitive, y'know. Even as a kid, he was always crying. I was always the one to stand up for him, but after we met Kyle, Josh tried changing. He became braver and stood up for himself a lot more. He stopped crying, too..."

  So that's why he looks up to Kyle and has such a positive look on him... And the reason why he immediately freaked out after kissing me.

  I lowered my head into my pillow. "...I'll talk to him." I spoke, my voice muffled into the pillow. I raised my head and gave Joe a sincere look. "Where is he?" I asked.

  I saw Joe nod to my door. "In our room."

  I left my room as soon as I could and made my way to the twins' room. I never considered how it was affecting Josh himself... Now that I think about it, he must feel the same as me. That's why I have to sort this out as soon as I ca-

  "You fucking bastard!" I heard an aggravated voice and something slam hard against the wall. I opened the door to see Josh being held by the collar of his shirt against the wall... By Jordan. "The hell were you thinking!" He growled at his younger brother, who seemed to be flowing with cowardice and fear.

  "I-I..." Josh couldn't find any words. His voice was quivering and I knew the fact Jordan was being so aggressive didn't help in the slightest.

  I made my way towards the two and pushed myself between the boys, forcing Jordan to release his grip. "That's enough!" I yelled, standing my ground and looking into Jordan's raging emerald eyes. "Jordan, stay out of thi-"

  "Is it true? Did that guy ki-"

  "I told you to stay out of this and I meant it! This doesn't involve you. I can handle my own problems, Jordan." I interrupted him and looked to Josh with an apologetic look. I then turned back to Jordan and pointed to the door. "Out." I stated to him.

  I saw his face become stern and his eyes fixated on me instead of Josh. "You think I'm going to fucking leave you and him in his room... Alone?" He asked, before slamming his fist against the wall and bringing his face so close to mine, I could feel the heat of his breath. "I won't allow you to be alone with this guy again." He stated, gritting his teeth and quickly grabbing my hand.

  I tried to escape his grip, but he was too strong. "Jordan, let go! We're just going to talk, that's all! You have no idea what's going on, so stay out of thi-"

  I suddenly stopped when he pushed me against the wall, directly next to Josh and his body drew closer to mine. "No, YOU have no idea what's going on." I saw a look in his eyes that I couldn't understand.

  What did he mean? This involved me and Josh, not Jordan. And I can't see any possible reason for him to be involved!

  But, with that look of his... I didn't have the strength in me to retort. Instead I let him drag me out the room, slamming the door shut as hard as he could without breaking the hinges.

  "Jor-hey! Let go!" I tried to pull away from the tall man, dragging me away from the twins' bedroom. "Jordan!" I yelled, this time grabbing enough of his attention for him to turn to face me.

  I saw a look in his eyes. Somewhere between anger and pain, but I couldn't work out why. My body jolted as I felt him grab me by the shoulders, pulling me a little closer to him. "I'm getting answers out of you whether you like it, or not!" He growled at me, his eyes becoming a little scary.

  What was his problem? Seriously? Why would I tell him anything, he isn't involved in any of this! I pushed him away from me and gave him a dominant stare. "I'm not answering any of your questions! None of this involves you, so just fuck off, Jordan!" I snapped at him, and headed to my room as quick as I could and slamming the door, leaning my body against it.

  I heard a loud bang on my door, most likely Jordan kicking the door. "Dammit, you're such a brat! I told you, didn't I? You have no idea what's going on!" He yelled at me from the other side.

  "What's with all the shouting?" I heard a muffled voice. "Jordan, what's going on?" It was Kyle.

  I heard Jordan mumble something, but I couldn't work it out. It seemed to have Kyle worried, though.

  "Leave her be, Jordan." I heard him try to reassure Jordan. "I think all of you need to cool off for a while and take a breather. You can sort all this out amongst yourselves once you feel more collected. Unless... You tell me what's happened and I can sort i-"

  "We can sort it out ourselves, old man! Besides, you're the LAST person on the fucking planet I'd speak to about this!" I heard Jordan snap at Kyle and walked away, his footsteps heavy.

  I slid down against my door onto my arse and heaved a heavy sigh. What am I supposed to do, now? Josh is distraught, Joe's at a loss, and now Jordan's pissed. And here's me, not knowing what the hell I should do...

  "Kid, you there?" I heard a gentle voice from the other side of my door. Kyle... I didn't want to talk to him. Not now, not ever.

  I refused to answer. Instead, I just buried my head between my legs. "Why not go out for some air? It'll help clear your mind..." he added, knowing I wasn't going to talk.

  Piss off, Kyle. I don't want to leave this room, ever again. Not with everybody so confused... Not with me so confused.

  "Listen, Craig's worried sick about you. Why not spend some time with him and away from the other boys? You can't stay stuck in your room forever, y'know." He stated the obvious.

  Yeah, I could go to Craig, but he plays with Joe and Josh. They'll probably be hanging around with him most of the time anyway.... "Not today..." I croaked. "I don't feel like it." I added in almost a whisper.

  "Alright." I heard Kyle reply before he walked away, leaving me on my own.

  This is how it should have been from the start. If I was alone, I wouldn't have them all worried and Josh wouldn't have kissed me and Jordan wouldn't have been angry with me. I wouldn't feel so bad when I alienate them, or yell at them. And I wouldn't be missed if I were to run away...

  I wish my mom was here. She would tell me everything will be okay and hug me until I stopped quivering. She'd kiss my forehead and cradle me until I stopped crying. She'd listen to my every word and take them all to heart...

  I felt tears start flowing down my cheeks. I want to see my mom. I didn't want any of this. I want my past, when it was just me and my mom. The two of us. happy and smiling and laughing...Well, actually, it never was like that, was it?

  Wiping my tears from my face, forcing the hiccups back down my throat, I slowly made my way to my bed and threw myself onto it, burying my face into the pillow, trying to muffle the hiccups so nobody would hear.

  It was never like what it seemed. Sure, I was happy. But, my mom... She was far from happy, she just didn't show me that. I wonder if she's happy now? Watching me from the clouds? I wonder... Does she approve me being taken under Kyle and his family's care? I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her?

  I wish I was with you, mom... I want to hear your voice again and see that loving smile on your face.

  The tears continued flowing as I buried my head deeper into my pillow. I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't stop the hiccups. I just cried silently to myself, on my own. Where nobody could see.

  It's been a while since I cried myself to sleep...

  "Freesia." I heard a woman's soft voice in the distance. "Freesia. My little flower..."

  ...Mom?

  I quickly turned to see a woman
standing behind me, long red flowing hair and eyes a sky blue... And that smile with the little dimples in her cheeks. "My little flower, why do you look so sad?" She asked me, raising one of her hands to my face and caressing my cheek. Her hand was warm and gentle. "Tell your mother, sweetie. I'll listen." She stated with that sweet voice of hers.

  God, I’ve missed that voice so much...

  I lowered my eyes to the ground below. "I'm just so lost, mom. I don't know what to do or how to act... I don't even feel like I fit in." I confessed in a silent whisper. "I've made Jordan angry... And Josh, well... He kissed me. And Joe doesn't know what to do, either. I'm just too lost, mom." I felt tears roll down my cheeks and my mom wipe them away with her sleeve like she always used to when I was a kid.

  "My dear, those boys really care for you, you know. I bet they are just as lost as you." I raised my head to look at my mom's serene face. "People cope with things in different ways, my little flower. All of you are running away from the truth, but trying to avoid it in your own ways-"

  "But I don't understand why Jordan is so upset with me, mom!" I interrupted her, brushing away her hand from my cheek. "None of this involved him in any way. I was the one who was kissed and everything. He won't even let me speak to Josh privately so I can sort this all out!" I explained to her, trying to fight my tears back.

  I heard a small giggle and saw my mum chuckling to herself. "Sweetie, you are as oblivious as ever!" She stated, laughing a little more before stroking my hair. "Don't let that boy's actions bother you. I think he's more angry at himself than towards you, my little flower."

  My eyes widened and I gave my mom a quizzical look. "Why would he be angry with himself?" I asked her. Her reply was another giggle.

  "You know, my little flower... You remind me a lot like your father." She whispered, changing the topic entirely and slightly sparked anger in my heart. She noticed this and frowned, shaking her head. "Your father is a good person, he always was. I would never have married him if he wasn't."

  What? So why...? I shook my head. "Wait, hold up! What are you saying, mom? He's the one that drove you into a corner, remember?" I tried getting to my mom, but she just shook her head at me, wearing a smile, but not the one that you can see her dimples. It was her fake smile.

  "My dear, I don't think now is the time for me to tell you. In fact, I think it would be best if your father were to say. In a way, yes he did drive me into a corner, but... Not entirely." Her words were confusing the heck out of me. I mean, what the hell?

  She stopped me in my thoughts with her dimple smile again. "Anyway, back to the topic. You know you speak a lot about this Jordan, Freesia." She stated, snapping me out of my anger.

  A blush immediately spread across my face. "W-well, that's 'cos he ticks me off so much! He's a jerk! No, not just a jerk, but a hugely annoying and irritating jerk that I want to kick so hard in the crotch he can't reproduce!" I stated. Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but that's how much he pissed me off!

  My mom's reply was nothing but a laugh and I couldn't help but blush. Am I stupid, or what? Talking about this stuff with my mom...

  "He cares for you a lot, you know, my little flower." I heard my mom say, a serene smile on her face. "I've seen you sleeping with him, you know" She cracked a grin as my cheeks flushed deep red.

  "M-mom! Don't say it like that! Besides, the first time couldn't be helped... In fact the other time couldn't be helped, either..." Or could it have been? "Anyway, that's not the point! I think you're mistaking him for somebody else, mom. I mean, him? Caring about me?" I started to trail off in my own rambling. "I mean, yeah, sure he comforted me when I was crying, he held my hand that time to reassure me, he always supported me... But he's a jerk! He teases me, pisses me off, he got me soaked, which lead to a fever! Oh and he sexually harasses me!" I stated, pouting a little, remembering back to the times Jordan pissed me off.

  I saw my mom place a gentle hand on my shoulder and a soft smile on her lips. "Dear, you must be more oblivious than before!"

  I gave her a blank look. I still had no idea what she meant. Oblivious to what? ... Then again, if I knew what I was oblivious to, I wouldn't be oblivious to it... And I think I just mentally confused myself. My lips pouted at the thought of me actually confusing myself with my own thoughts and I saw my mom laughing at me. "W-what's so funny?" I asked her, pouting even more.

  She giggled a little and smiled. "You remind me so much of your father, way back then. He always showed that face if he confused himself!" She explained. "You should ease up on that hate towards your father, you know. It isn't good for either of you." Her voice turned gentle and she began to play with my hair again. "And I hope you've changed your mind about dying your hair." She added and I looked at her slightly surprised. She read my expression and explained. "You always wanted to dye it as a kid, because it was your father's hair colour. You always wanted to look like me..." She lowered her hand from my hair. "But if you dye that beautiful hair of yours, you will not only look like a copy of me, but you'll also be hiding your true colours. Literally and metaphorically." She whispered.

  I gave her a reassuring smile and shook my head. "I don't want to anymore. Joe and Josh helped me realise that it's better off to be myself... Jordan did too." I looked up and my mom's eyes rolled.

  "Back to that handsome young boy, are we?" She teased me, seeing a blush spread across my face.

  "Mom!" I protested. "Just as I thought, if you saw him, you'd be all over the guy!" I added.

  Suddenly, my blush vanished as I felt a pair of hands wrap around my body and pull me closer. "I miss you so, so much, my little flower..." My mom whispered to me, her head on my shoulder. "I have to go now, you need to wake up soon." She added, kissing my cheek and then pulling away a little, revealing her face, a tear trickling down her cheek and that dimple smile on her face. "I am so very proud of you."

  I wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could and nestled my head on her shoulder. "Thank you. I love you... Mom..." I whispered to her as I felt tears stream down my face.

  Out of nowhere, I felt a familiar hand on my cheek, carefully wiping away my tears and then lips gently resting on my forehead for a few minutes before drawing away. But it wasn't my mom. It was...

  Chapter 15

  "Freesia, Wake up! mom and dad are both working today!" I heard Craig yell from downstairs, as usual.

  I jolted myself upright and wiped my eyes. "Alright, I'm up!" I yelled back, sliding out of my bed and to my wardrobe, slipping on my hoodie and jeans.

  It was a new day and I was going to make sure all of this was dealt with!... Maybe.

  I left my room and made my way downstairs and to the kitchen, obviously avoiding the twins sitting on the couch watching TV. For once, they weren't brawling. For the other, I knew Josh wouldn't want to talk to me, so I just slipped pass them.

  As I turned to the kitchen, I saw somebody sitting on the island counter, jet black hair and a cup of, most likely, strong coffee. I didn't want to have a fight with him this early in the day, so I ignored him and did my usual morning ritual of a nice cup of hot tea, weak but not too weak. It always woke me up enough to be prepared for the rest of the day's... Shenanigans.

  "What, no 'good morning'?" My body jolted as I was pouring the water, almost spilling it on the counter. I turned a little, but not enough to make eye contact with Jordan.

  "...Morning..." I mumbled quietly. What happened yesterday, I didn't want to deal with him. I didn't want to start anything or cause a fuss, so I just wanted to avoid him as much as possible...

  I tried to keep any conversation from igniting, but Jordan had other ideas. "Y'know you cry a lot when you're asleep." He stated, before taking a sip of his coffee.

  Okay, I had to turn around at that point and show him my surprised look, trying to stop a blush from spreading across my face. "W-what? How do you-"

  "I came up with your dinner, but you were sound asleep." He interrupted me and avoided my gaze. "You talk in your
sleep, too." He added.

  I narrowed my eyes and turned back to finish making my tea. When I had done, I shuffled my way passed Jordan and leaned my body against the island counter, sipping my tea. "What did I say?" I asked him, a little unwilling. I couldn't remember all of the dream, but I knew I was talking to my mom about stuff. But the stuff in question, I only remember parts of, it was all too hazy for me to recall what we actually talked about.

  "That you miss her." He mumbled, holding his cup to his lips, pausing and then deciding to lower it without taking a drink.

  He stood up from his seat and made his way out the kitchen. "... And that you felt lost." He added, just before he left and headed to the couch with the twins and throwing himself onto the armchair.

  I felt lost...? I took a sip of my tea and looked out the window on my right. Mom... Was that really you? Or was it just an illusion?

  “I am so very proud of you”

  I drank the remainder of my tea and placed the cup in the sink, before heading out of the kitchen.

  When I did, my eyes contacted Josh's, who was talking to Jordan. I gave him a soft smile, but his eyes fell and he turned back to face the TV. Looks like I won't be able to speak to him for a while...

  I glanced towards Joe, who was looking at me with an apologetic look. He must have wanted to help, but he didn't know what to do.

  I felt my eyes lower to the floor as I shuffled myself outside. I need fresh air.

  It was cold, but you would expect that for it being Autumn, now. The wind was bitter and the ground was gathering with dead leaves. I hugged my waist and made my way up to the hill.

  In all honesty, I didn't mind the cold weather. I thought it was quite refreshing and it always helped me to think, in the past. I just hope the same was for now...

  I reached the peak of the hill and I turned to face the Ocean. You could usually see where the skyline broke into Ocean, but today it looked all the same. The sky was as blue as the sea, so it was difficult to see where the sky started and the Ocean ended.